If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
