Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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