Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
