My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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