she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
