If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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