I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize