I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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