Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
