i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
