Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
