Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
