she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize