i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
