I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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