guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
