Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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