winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
