1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
