Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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