I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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