Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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