Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I understand Curling. That high.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
