Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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