Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
