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Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
