I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
