The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Randomize
