I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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