Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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