I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I will pee on everything he values.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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