I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
