sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
