you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
