Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
