I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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