SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
