I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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