hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
