The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
