Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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