Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
