I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
