I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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