he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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