plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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