I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
