Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
