How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
