So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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