Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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