Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
