I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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