when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
