you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
