I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
