We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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