just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
