we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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