i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
