Your face is a jimmy john
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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